I mentioned it publicly in a Twitter post and gave more details in a locked post on LiveJournal, but one of the things that made this past week less-than-pleasant for me was finally making the decision to give up my cat Paris.

This isn’t a decision I made lightly, because I’m one of those people who’s always held the opinion that adopting a pet is a lifetime commitment. I also knew, when I adopted her, that Paris had a less-than-perfect background and thus would have socialization problems. I felt like I could handle it; I’ve worked with former abused dogs and cats several times before.

I was wrong. After a little over four years and more patience than even I thought I’d be able to find, I’ve realized that I’m not able to handle it. When I moved last year, Paris reverted to the “inappropriate elimination” problems she’d had during the first six months after I’d adopted her. I’ve cycled through a whole host of ideas developed on my own and with the vet, and if anything she’s gotten worse. I have a limit, and I’ve finally gotten to it.

There are right and wrong ways to re-home and animal and I should mention that this blog post is not a “free to a good home” advertisement. She had a regularly scheduled veterinary appointment this past Friday (for a periodic procedure that was intended to try and fix the problem) and when I dropped her off I told the front desk that I wanted to talk to the vet about another home. Unfortunately, she didn’t know of anyone.

For the first time in my life, I chose to leave a pet at the vet even though she was ready to come home. “I think we both need a break for the long weekend,” I told the vet. “But don’t worry. I will come and get her.”

I’ve already contacted the original adoption agency, since the terms of my contract state that I have to contact them before giving her up. They, of course, tried to talk me out of it: adopting a pet is a lifetime commitment. I ended up sending a very long email with a bulleted list.

It’s been a year and I don’t have anything left to try, I concluded, so unfortunately the decision is non-negotiable.

It has also been absolutely agonizing. Due to the problems and the fact that I won’t just take her to an animal shelter to drop her off, I’ve kept her confined to the bathroom for all but a couple of hours each day. That’s no life for a cat, and as an animal lover I know that continuing such a confinement on a long-term basis will traumatize the animal.

The adoption agency contact made a reference about finding her a home in a barn and, after thinking about it, that seems to be a very good idea. Paris is healthy and has plenty of life left in her ; it’s just not a lifestyle that I can manage anymore.

It’s still going to hurt, though. My other cat Emily is upset and clingy; I’ve been giving her a lot of extra attention the last few days. I’m not planning to adopt another cat right away although I know I will eventually. For the moment, we’re just going to get through what we face right now.