Writer’s Block for May 15, 2010:

Do you find it very hard to open up to people? Why or why not? What are the benefits and disadvantages of being emotionally guarded?

I don’t find it very hard to open up. The better description is “nearly impossible.”

I could go on for the reasons for a long time but the bottom line is that I’m terrified of getting hurt. I have been hurt before, and it has nearly destroyed me a couple of times. Once I managed to get through it (I never quite get over it), I decided that the best solution was simply to never put myself in that situation again. It’s too risky.

A friend of mine told me once that I had built a brick wall with an iron door around myself and that while I was ignoring the people who did the knocking, my hand was still on the knob. He’s right. I do want to let go and open up sometimes. That’s why I say my issue is fear. I have no illusions.

But I won’t pretend that keeping myself from getting hurt brings its own kind of pain sometimes. It leads to jealousy and a lot of loneliness. It took me a long time to learn how to be comfortable alone, and there are certain times, events and days that are hard on me. I also sometimes wonder if I’m letting the pleasures of life pass on by. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that I am.

This being said, I can attest that there are a lot of positives about being alone and guarded. When I want to do something, I just do it, and that has led to a lot of good experiences I might not otherwise have had. A recent example was my trip to Hawaii in March; the only person I considered when choosing a destination and activities was myself. I also have a much stronger definition of myself, since I can’t base my self-definition on relationships with family and friends.

People who know me, particularly when they’re aware of my online life, often think I’m very open. It’s not true, and if you look closely I mostly talk about experiences and opinions. I don’t talk about matters of the heart, and there are parts of my personal history and personal life that I simply don’t discuss.

That’s a different kind of open-ness. It’s a kind I can handle without fear. It has sometimes led to opportunities to ease the loneliness or open up, but as a general rule I don’t take them. Being alone is the devil I know, and I know how to live with it. Sometimes I even prefer it.